I had a chat with my friend Jennifer about staying busy to avoid the feeling of loneliness, but I am more concern with liking it and ten years later regretting the lack of connections. The comfort of just being alone removed from those who are my closes friends as we grow older and live out our lives I feel the unspoken distance, but it is my making, so I think.
My days are full of dealing with a vast of personality as I attempt to categorize individuals based on their needs and I try not judge them or focus on their unpleasantness because I come to understand my nuisance. Some people have a place in my life I admire from afar; I check their social media as I have become accustomed to the new ways we communicate which is less personal and in the end, it’s less hurtful. Rarely do I share what pains me personally because I want to figure out what is hurting and how I can deal with it, my days are spent living in my world and at home having deep thoughts and conversations with myself. To avoid being a burden because I see some of the people I know suffer more than I am experiencing, I reduced my drama or problems to be insignificant in the grand scheme of life on social media.
I realize I am lucky for the most part I survived childhood and the transformation to adulthood, I get daily emails from a unique family member, and I can be real and not be so guarded. My romantic life is just okay, and for me, that is an achievement, and I do my best to have a stable relationship with my son. I observe the pitfalls of living aboard away from family and friends, so I take art classes and try to learn Chinese. I guess I am questioning these latest additions ( son and girlfriend ) in my life over the past six years if I have a connection with them, are they there to fill a void in my life? At times it all feels accidental and forced. Does it make me suspect in my intentions towards them as others have their position in my life because we have gone through shared experiences and there is genuine love in our relationships? I restate that I want to avoid feeling regret later in life because I picked to be alone rather than cultivate meaningful relationships outside of America.
My quest continues….